Exodus
by Willow-Pea
Summary: Deidre 1st-person. Loss and pain was all she knew, only anchored to the world by her lifemate Tienn. But hope can come for her, even if it's in the form of a child with no tact.


The Dark series and its characters are the property of Christine Feehan. Since I gave Dark Release a try, I thought I might give this a try as well, especially after reading about Deidre and Tienn in Dark Symphony. This is a one shot and just a little wishful thinking on my part.

Exodus

I wish I'd never woken up.

But…I must try though, mustn't I? Every waking moment I can feel Tienn's fear and worry beating through me like a heartbeat. And Vlad…I hate that I caused him so much worry when he had Eleanor to worry about. But how could I help my feelings? How could I help but feel anything else but despair and destitution?

Tienn is trying so hard, I know. I feel his presence constantly in my mind, overpowering with his love and comfort. He's focusing so hard on keeping me happy that he's neglecting his own needs. I try, though, to ease his burden. I try not to wallow so much in my own sorrow, because I know that when it consumes me it consumes _him_ as well. But sometimes…I just _can't_. I get sick of trying and it overpowers me. And then I go to sleep for days, weeks, and when I wake up I awake to the same loneliness and loss I'd tried to escape from when I initially went to ground.

How many…it was painful to think of how many my own children had died through the centuries. I'd lost count so long ago. How many times have I miscarried? How many times have I given birth to a boy, to a girl, hold them in my arms, only to have this small, precious life be snuffed out before it could truly begin?

No…stop it. Don't think about it.

It was Christmas Eve. This time I'd slept for nearly two months. I could sense Vlad in the country, along with Eleanor and their children. I could sense many more Carpathians in the area, and humans and Jaguars. Mikhail was throwing another Christmas party. Or rather, _Raven_ was throwing another Christmas party, and had invited all of our people, claimed and unclaimed alike. But this year so many more had claimed their lifemates. So many more were finding the light to their darkness…and seeking to conceive.

My heart twisted and I huddled close to myself. We were at Mikhail's house, the celebration occurring there. I sat alone in a rocking chair, gazing out the window. This room resembled a sitting room of sorts, and there was two doorways; a smaller one to my left and a large archway on the far side, opening to the main hall and the rest of the house. It was snowing; tiny little particles falling from the sky on a gentle breeze. It was beautiful, but I could find very little joy in it. So many problems arose when they held the party out in the open, and Shea and her unborn son Stefan had been targeted. But Shea gave birth to him safely and now the little baby was growing. And Savannah had given birth to Anya and Anastasia, twin daughters, and _they_ were healthy and growing as well.

Babies…why? Why is it that they can have children? They're mere fledglings compared to me. Savannah had been Raven's very first child and _she_ had lived! Of course, she was also Gregori's lifemate and so it was really no wonder the healer would move heaven and earth to preserve the baby. And I could sympatheize with Raven because I know she had miscarried her second child, but she still had a living one. What have I? I had nothing. No…I had Tienn and his unwavering love and support. He felt the loss of all of our children as strongly as I need. If it were not for him I would surely have walked into the sun long ago.

"_Think not of such things, _sívamet. _I am here with you, as I always will be."_

Tienn. He stood in the doorway at the far side of the room, speaking with Gregori without pause. But even then he thought of me and wanted to comfort me. Oh, the strain on us both was too great! I wanted a child so desperately! I knew everyone could sense my need and feathered their children onto me if they could. But it wasn't nearly enough. I could indulge my maternal need with someone else's child, but in the end the child wasn't mine. They would go away, back with their parents, and I would be alone.

"_Never alone, _päläfertiil. _Never alone."_

I looked at Tienn again. He glanced at me briefly before returning to his conversation with Gregori. Vlad walked up them and joined in. I had little doubts they were talking about me, but it didn't bother me. I narrowed the scope of our bond, not wanting to listen in.

The room was nearly empty; the children avoided me, human and Carpathian alike, and very few of the others approached me for conversation. Raven spoke to me briefly and I actually had a very pleasant conversation with Celeste. But it was still difficult to be out here like this, surrounded by people who were so happy, when I felt so sad. Celeste was the only one I felt I could share with personally, because there was nobody else of our people who'd lost as much as I had. She hadn't nearly lost as many children as I did, but I knew Eric and her had recently tried again, and again their child died. She was so sad, but unlike me she could join in the celebrations, mingle with our people and have fun. I could hear her voice downstairs, talking and laughing with a pair of women from the Dragonseeker clan. Tears burned my eyes and I hugged my arms closer to myself. Why must I live with this pain? How long would I have to suffer like this before it was finally enough?

"Hello."

I jerked violently at the sound of a child's voice. I turned my head away from the window to see a little girl standing there. She was human, I could sense that much, and she couldn't have been older than eight or nine years old, but she was beautiful. Her hair was short to her shoulders and very dark brown, almost black. It was curly too, framing her small face like a bundle of springs. Holly leaves had been woven into the curls. Her eyes were dark brown, but they stared at me with a strange curiosity, and her expression was oddly serene for someone her age. She wore a white frilly dress, almost pageantry-like, and her tiny hands were burrowed into her massive skirt. Was she a psychic? She obviously knew _something _of the Carpathian people if she was here. Maybe a relative or guardian had been claimed, who knew?

I cleared my throat uneasily. None of the other children had spoken to me tonight. "H-Hello."

"Why are you so sad?" she asked me, her tone blunt and matter-of-fact.

I stared at her in silence. Nobody had ever asked me that before. Then again, my pain was so obvious to those who knew me that they didn't need to ask. I saw Tienn pause mid-sentence in whatever he was saying to Gregori.

"I…can't really say," I admitted quietly. "I suppose…it's because I am heartbroken. I have lived a long time, you see, and so little has gone right with my life. I-I mean, I have my lifemate and I have a brother and both of them love me and want me to be happy. But I…" it was difficult to find the words. More tears gathered into my eyes but I tried to keep them under control. A crying adult would surely alarm a child. "I don't…feel like trying anymore." Immediately I could feel Tienn's distress in my mind, in my heart, and I tried to send him some reassurances of my well-being, but I didn't have it in me.

The little girl stared at me, her expression never changing as I spoke. Finally she rubbed a hand through her hair in confusion. "But I don't understand," she said quietly. "Don't you want to have a baby?"

I was struck speechless by her thoughtless words, and pain erupted from my chest. Tienn growled in fury from the doorway and started to advance on us, but Gregori grabbed him by his arm and hissed something into his ear. Whatever he said did little to calm Tienn down, who simply tried to pull his arm free. Vlad grabbed his other arm, speaking to him as little louder than Gregori. I could hear none of their words, but I heard their tones. Tienn would surely mean to harm this child and they had to prevent that.

It took me a long time to find words. My reaction to her question didn't make her uncomfortable, as I thought it might. She still stood there and stared at me, waiting patiently for an answer.

The words burst out of me with more emotion and strength than I thought I had. "Of _course _I want to have a baby," I almost hissed the words. "There's nothing more I want in my life than to be able to hold a child, _my child_, in my arms and be assured that he or she will _live_ in the next year! But I…" I couldn't stop the tears now and I began choking on sobs. It was so strange what one little question could do to me. "But I'm _hurting_. I've lost _so much_ and I can't go through it again. I _won't_! It's a pain that's just not worth it to me! If I could have a baby that would live, even if it meant I would die, then I would gladly have it. But I…I can't do it anymore. I can't…" My hands were shaking as I hugged myself tighter, unable to stop the flow of tears.

The little girl didn't look upset by my outburst. She leaned forward and threw her arms around my shoulders, burying her face into my neck. I sat there for a long moment, not sure what I should do. Before I could stop myself I reached up and hugged her back, clinging to her tightly. My old emotional wounds were opening freshly. It was so hard to deal with all of this. This girl, this child…reminded me too much of all I had lost. Why…why must I continue to live like this? I could feel Tienn's love wash over me, but it just wasn't enough. Not now, especially.

Finally I felt her arms loosen from around my neck, indicating she wanted to let me go. I released her and she leaned away from me, but not all the way. Her face hovered close to mine, a small hand reaching up to cup my cheek. It amazed me she could ask such thoughtless questions one minute and be so comforting the next.

"Don't worry," she told me softly, her tone soothing and…confident? She leaned forward again to whisper into my ear. "I think she'll be all right."

………………………………What?

She pulled away from me and smiled for the first time. Then she turned around simply and walked through the large archway and out of the room, no doubt to join the other children playing and laughing down the hall.

I stared after her numbly for several moments. The three men at the other door also stared after her, each of them visibly stunned.

Then I reacted. Shock and terror gripped me as I tore out of the rocking chair and ran across the room. "Gregori! Gregori!" I grabbed the healer by his collar. "S-She…she…is it?"

"Calm down," he said soothingly, redirecting me to the rocking chair. "I shall check for you."

I shook my head furiously in denial and looked up at Tienn. He took hold of my hand and kissed my knuckles.

Gregori became a force of life and entered my body, to confirm whether or not the child spoke the truth. We all waited with abated breath, not sure what to expect. How could it be? Wouldn't I notice at all?

He came back minutes later, too quickly for my liking. "You're almost two months along," he told me. "It's a girl and she's very small."

I just stared back at him. A girl? Two months along? I was _pregnant_?!

"Are you certain?" Tienn asked.

"Absolutely," Gregori responded, his eyes on me.

I dug my fingernails into Tienn's hand. "No…" I shook my head again. "No…It can't be!"

"I never sensed the child," Tienn said, his voice and expression full of shame. "I had no idea…"

"Neither of you were trying to conceive," Vlad pointed out, though his face was full of fear as well. "So it's really no wonder you didn't notice."

"I-I _can't_ be pregnant!" I burst out suddenly. I jumped to my feet, but Gregori forced me to sit back down. "W-We were careful! We both vowed not to try again! It…" I looked at Tienn helplessly. "Must we go through this again?! I-I can't! I can't bear another loss, Tienn! It will kill me, I know it will!"

Tienn wrapped his arms around me, pressing his nose into my hair. "It's all right, _sívamet_. I am here." He spoke reassuringly to me, but he couldn't hide from me. He was panicking fiercely inside his head, torn between his joy at being a father and that horrible fear he would lose me. Lucia hadn't been much older than me when she gave birth to Josef and then we lost both her and Rodanvier. But my fear was placed elsewhere. Fate would not be so kind to me to sacrifice me so that my child…my daughter might live. No, she would surely die while I lived to bear with the sorrow of losing yet another child…

"Deidre." Gregori gripped my shoulders tightly all of a sudden. "We will _not_ lose you. Times have changed for us all. I am not alone to aid in a birthing. We have Shea and Francesca to aid me. We have earth-healers like Syndil and Skyler to give you fresh, clean soil. Our people are many now, and we will all fight to save our own and that includes _both _your daughter and yourself." He gave my shoulders a slight shake. "We will not lose you."

"Gregori." Tienn's tone was suddenly harsh and he pushed the healer away. "You have made your point, keep your hands to yourself."

I stared up at him, at Vlad, at Tienn. "Will you help her? Will you help save her and keep her strong?"

"Absolutely," Gregori said. "We cherish all of our children. But we will keep you alive as well, Deidre, so do _not_ think to give yourself up if you feel that that's all you have to offer. My daughters both live, as does my lifemate, and the birthing was positively excruciating." Pain flashed briefly in his silver eyes before they hardened again. "But you _both _will live. We will accept nothing less."

"As will I," Tienn said, brushing his lips over my brow while looking harshly at Gregori. "That's enough, Dark One."

Gregori flashed his eyes at Tienn. "You have allowed her misery to grow and fester. It is _your _responsibility to make sure she lives."

Tienn growled at him, but I grabbed his hand. "Tienn, please. Don't stage an argument."

"Gregori." We all started at the sound of Savannah's voice at the archway. "Is everything all right?"

Gregori's features softened visibly as he turned towards his lifemate. "Deidre is with child, _ma petite_. I only felt the need to reestablish priorities."

Savannah's face lit up as she looked at me. "You're pregnant, Deidre?!" she ran over and hugged me tightly. "Oh, this is wonderful news! Don't worry, we'll protect and save your child!"

It gave me some reassurances that my child might be saved when it came from someone who'd given birth to twin girls. I felt a smile form on my face. "Thank you, Savannah."

"We must tell my parents," Savannah gushed. "Everyone will be so excited!"

The smile faded from my face. "Wait—"

But Savannah had already hurried from the room. Vlad and Tienn glared at Gregori accusingly, but the Dark One merely shrugged. "It's not my fault. She takes after her mother too much."

"If you must breach the news, do it gently," Tienn spoke harshly. "We don't want to cause any strain on my lifemate."

Gregori merely waved a dismissive hand. "I shall do anything if it means I will distract Mikhail from forcing me into more foolish nonsense."

"So that means he wants you to play Santa Claus again?" Vlad asked, his voice full of laughter.

Gregori glared at him. "If you say it aloud, then somebody will hear it!"

Laughter erupted from my chest and burst out. "S-S-Santa Claus?! _You_, Gregori?! Oh, I must see this!"

All three men stared at me, shocked. The laughter died abruptly. I hadn't laughed in so long. The thought of being pregnant distressed me and yet I felt something else. Hope. Hope that I might finally have a child.

Gregori grunted and tugged at his collar irritably. "I _must_ do it now, I suppose." He turned to leave, but then stopped. He spun around and touched me very gently on the head. "Trust in me, Deidre. I swear I will save your child." Then he swept from the room with the same regal grace he always carried.

Tienn helped me from the rocking chair. "Would you like to join the party now, _sívamet_?"

"I shall try," I said. "It might give Celeste some hope if she knows I'm pregnant. And I shouldn't dare miss Gregori as Santa Claus again."

Both Vlad and Tienn laughed at this and I felt curious warmth spread in my chest. It'd been so long since I heard their laughter and could enjoy it. It filled me with greater comfort.

As we left the room, another thought occurred to me. "Does anyone know who that child was?"

"She's human," Vlad told me. "Her older sister and she are psychic. She came with her sister and her lifemate."

"What's her name?"

Vlad thought about it for a moment. "Grace."

"Grace?" I managed another smile as I leaned against Tienn. "It suits her."


End file.
